So I have been thinking about anger a lot. As you can probably assume from my previous post. So here are so recent rambles of this mad woman.
i can say with the utmost honesty that I have spent way to much of my life angry. As a child I was angry that I was the "messed up one" that I had to be the different one. Just about the time that I got over that and decided ok fine I am the way I am I'm over it I got pregnant with my daughter. My entire life I had been fed this line of bull that my mother knew for fact I was a fluke, afterall none of my siblings had "messed up kids" so I tried for nearly 2 yrs to get pregnant and was over the moon when I found out. At about 17wks they found that Nina had my condition. I became angry again, this time at my mother. By the time I told her she had went back on everything she had ever told me and blamed me for not listening to her. I had witnesses. I knew what she had told me she had told my ex the same crap. When I laid eyes on my daughter I fell in love, but I was so angry at god again, What did my beautiful baby do to deserve this. Then I learned that what I have IS heriditary (mostly for girls) and I for a long time hid the fact that I was angry at myself. I hated myself for it. Then she grew into an amazing child despite everything. Fast forward a few years of going back and forth between being pissed at god when Nina had a surgery that failed, or all of a sudden could no longer chew or swallow. I figured ok fine we have this, she has to be "fixed" the least god could do is let it go smoothly. Nope not the God I know or learned about. Fast forward to July 7th, 2011. I learned that the baby that hubby and I longed for was finally going to be here. I prayed for the first time in probably 20 yrs for him to be a boy. He is. At his four month check up we learned that he has craniosynostosis. I found myself angry at God again. Why did he let my lil guy dodge all the things wrong that could have gone wrong just to have this condition and tortilcollis. I am angry at the doctors who dismissed us like we were looking for something to be wrong with him when we had questions as if we had Munchhausen, I am angry at the other doctors who know what I have been through with mine and Nina's condition who act like I should be thankful this is "the worst it got". I am angry that I never got a shot "at normal". So I was asked once if I thought being a sn (special needs) parent has made me angrier and I suppose I think I have been angry but for me I am not sure that it had to do with being mom to a sn kid or if it was from being the sn kid myself or maybe just a combination. All I knows is that in my opinion God's image is pretty screwed up and I could really care less about his plan most days. But what is even worse is that I want to believe I just have nothing to grab onto to make me believe. I am also angry at the people that don't try to understand and would rather snicker and point. If I hear one more time that God doesn't give anyone more than they can handle you just might see me on the news as the next dumbass that blew her gasket!
Recent Comments