July 23, 2012

• Don't Panic! Yes this will be blog 2 in less than 24 hrs.

  So I have been thinking about anger a lot. As you can probably assume from my previous post. So here are so recent rambles of this mad woman.

  i can say with the utmost honesty that I have spent way to much of my life angry. As a child I was angry that I was the "messed up one" that I had to be the different one. Just about the time that I got over that and decided ok fine I am the way I am I'm over it I got pregnant with my daughter. My entire life I had been fed this line of bull that my mother knew for fact I was a fluke, afterall none of my siblings had "messed up kids" so I tried for nearly 2 yrs to get pregnant and was over the moon when I found out. At about 17wks they found that Nina had my condition. I became angry again, this time at my mother. By the time I told her she had went back on everything she had ever told me and blamed me for not listening to her. I had witnesses. I knew what she had told me she had told my ex the same crap. When I laid eyes on my daughter I fell in love, but I was so angry at god again, What did my beautiful baby do to deserve this. Then I learned that what I have IS heriditary (mostly for girls) and I for a long time hid the fact that I was angry at myself. I hated myself for it. Then she grew into an amazing child despite everything. Fast forward a few years of going back and forth between being pissed at god when Nina had a surgery that failed, or all of a sudden could no longer chew or swallow. I figured ok fine we have this, she has to be "fixed" the least god could do is let it go smoothly. Nope not the God I know or learned about. Fast forward to July 7th, 2011. I learned that the baby that hubby and I longed for was finally going to be here. I prayed for the first time in probably 20 yrs for him to be a boy. He is. At his four month check up we learned that he has craniosynostosis. I found myself angry at God again. Why did he let my lil guy dodge all the things wrong that could have gone wrong just to have this condition and tortilcollis. I am angry at the doctors who dismissed us like we were looking for something to be wrong with him when we had questions as if we had Munchhausen, I am angry at the other doctors who know what I have been through with mine and Nina's condition who act like I should be thankful this is "the worst it got". I am angry that I never got a shot "at normal". So I was asked once if I thought being a sn (special needs) parent has made me angrier and I suppose I think I have been angry but for me I am not sure that it had to do with being mom to a sn kid or if it was from being the sn kid myself or maybe just a combination. All I knows is that in my opinion God's image is pretty screwed up and I could really care less about his plan most days. But what is even worse is that I want to believe I just have nothing to grab onto to make me believe. I am also angry at the people that don't try to understand and would rather snicker and point. If I hear one more time that God doesn't give anyone more than they can handle you just might see me on the news as the next dumbass that blew her gasket!
  

  • 8:59 am
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